Ready or not, here we come....

Jene and I hoped that we could get more of a story and Carmen's feelings as well as her mother's and sister's as she went into the hospital, from a humanistic standpoint. At first the time told to us was 10:00am as the ETA which would have enabled me to meet Jene there. Carmen and Jene spoke the night before after the hospital had set the time to 7:30am with 2:00 surgery time . Jene thought he could handle this by himself, knowing what pictures we wanted to help convey her story.

Jene woke up early (6am, early for him), walked the dog, who wondered what was going on and why were they going for a walk in the middle of the night). He wasn't prepared for Carmen even though she called him as he was walking to the subway and told him of her migraine.

When the car arrived and mom brought out Carmen holding her up with Carmen's head on her shoulders he felt he had to help. When a man comes into the picture, they are in charge - oops there goes the photographic control. Now Jene had to answer questions from the guard while getting a wheel chair.

Carmen is telling anyone who will listen where she needs to go. At least the admitting office was empty of people and we were able to get papers signed, four or five signatures.

Off to the Cromin building for radiation. Meet another doctor, sign more forms, and Carmen's breast is injected with dye, a picture is taken, which is given to them to bring to the OR (One would think that it could be computerized and sent to the operating room in an instant).

Jene recognizes the codependency tendencies in Carmen and in himself because he went through some similar situations in his childhood and relationships afterward. Finally he realized his issues and sought help with Caron org. , a recovery organization.

Anyway, back to the subject.
Undergoing a mastectomy is not to be taken lightly, both Jene & I agree that it is a terrible disease that effects so many women and their families. Most shy away from the limelight. Carmen gravitates towards it. We are not passing judgement because that is not our role. We are telling a story, her story and relating it to the commonality that most women would feel even if they chose not to share it publicly.

Carmen is not the only woman to lose her breasts, just one who is crying out to be heard, to let everyone know how it feels, what she is going through and how she is trying to cope with it.
Jene and I are trying to tell her story because it does effect so many women, ones too shy or private to talk about it publicly. Ones who only shared their most intimate feelings and fears with their family and close friends as I have with Jene.

Women who don't want to have people wonder which breast is the real one in hushed whispers. Hopefully bringing her story out into the open will help others understand that a woman still has the same feelings, thoughts, dreams and desires as she did before having a breast or two removed. Both of us feel uneasy, being in the middle of someone else's life, a stranger for all intent and purposes. We are hearing intimate details of all phases of her life and are trying to strike a balance between sensationalizing someone's pain and getting her story out. Neither one of us are professional journalists or investigative reporters just 2 photographers who are trying to connect with others through our images and words mixed with love.

Letting go and moving forward

As survivors, we seek hope in the ruins of despair. It doesn't matter what you are going through, we can all relate to feeling the darkness and loneliness that despair brings to our doorsteps. Feelings we must recognize, accept and try to let go of. The letting go part is the hardest, we cling to things for fear of the unknown. We hold our pain close to our hearts instead of releasing it and opening our hearts to be filled with all the blessings we do have. And we do have many, which is realized when you start to count them, even the smallest ones.
I wake every morning, happy to have woken. A new day - a new start. I try to let go of the little hurts that plague me, not the physical aches, but the ones we try to brush aside. This is where hope comes in. But hope alone can't change anything unless you are willing to change. Why do we think that if we keep walking down the same path, that we won't meet upon the same obstacles. Stubborn? Stupid? We think we can change something, someone solely with our persistence or our love.

I am as stubborn as they come, I used to say that I would bang my head against a wall trying to break through and that my daughter would say hmmmmm a door, let me go that way. I would think ahhhhhh, the path of least resistance, that's not a good road to take... HELLO! yes sometimes it is. Now I only bang my head against it a few times before I say DUH. Jene calls me a "slow learner", sometimes I am, BUT I am learning ;-).

When did I have my first real epiphany - nearly 20 years ago (hence the "slow learner" status). It is a long story and not really relevant other than to say you can't always effect the change you want especially if it has to do with another person - all you can do is change how you deal with it. You can only affect change in yourself, in order to let go of the suffering in your life. It doesn't take it away, it just allows you to function in a emotionally healthier way that leads to growth, peace and serenity. (This is something that just about everyone is aware of and having my degree in Pscyhology made me more aware but then there's the "talking the talk & then the walking the walk" syndrome).

Carmen has enough to deal with breast cancer and yet finds herself walking down the same road in other areas of her life. I hope that along with the physical pain that she will overcome that she can let go of all her pain and heal from the inside out.

And while Jene and I want to help her tell her story, it is because it is not something that is unique to Carmen. Breast cancer affects nearly 1 in 7 women. It is a story of what women go through, their fight to survive, to live a full life again, to love and be loved because of who they are. But isn't this what all of us want anyway - to be understood, to be comforted, to be held close when we are scared to death, to connect to one another, to be a part of the whole picture.

Good luck today Carmen, and to all the other's out there - good luck to you too.