Ready or not, here we come....

Jene and I hoped that we could get more of a story and Carmen's feelings as well as her mother's and sister's as she went into the hospital, from a humanistic standpoint. At first the time told to us was 10:00am as the ETA which would have enabled me to meet Jene there. Carmen and Jene spoke the night before after the hospital had set the time to 7:30am with 2:00 surgery time . Jene thought he could handle this by himself, knowing what pictures we wanted to help convey her story.

Jene woke up early (6am, early for him), walked the dog, who wondered what was going on and why were they going for a walk in the middle of the night). He wasn't prepared for Carmen even though she called him as he was walking to the subway and told him of her migraine.

When the car arrived and mom brought out Carmen holding her up with Carmen's head on her shoulders he felt he had to help. When a man comes into the picture, they are in charge - oops there goes the photographic control. Now Jene had to answer questions from the guard while getting a wheel chair.

Carmen is telling anyone who will listen where she needs to go. At least the admitting office was empty of people and we were able to get papers signed, four or five signatures.

Off to the Cromin building for radiation. Meet another doctor, sign more forms, and Carmen's breast is injected with dye, a picture is taken, which is given to them to bring to the OR (One would think that it could be computerized and sent to the operating room in an instant).

Jene recognizes the codependency tendencies in Carmen and in himself because he went through some similar situations in his childhood and relationships afterward. Finally he realized his issues and sought help with Caron org. , a recovery organization.

Anyway, back to the subject.
Undergoing a mastectomy is not to be taken lightly, both Jene & I agree that it is a terrible disease that effects so many women and their families. Most shy away from the limelight. Carmen gravitates towards it. We are not passing judgement because that is not our role. We are telling a story, her story and relating it to the commonality that most women would feel even if they chose not to share it publicly.

Carmen is not the only woman to lose her breasts, just one who is crying out to be heard, to let everyone know how it feels, what she is going through and how she is trying to cope with it.
Jene and I are trying to tell her story because it does effect so many women, ones too shy or private to talk about it publicly. Ones who only shared their most intimate feelings and fears with their family and close friends as I have with Jene.

Women who don't want to have people wonder which breast is the real one in hushed whispers. Hopefully bringing her story out into the open will help others understand that a woman still has the same feelings, thoughts, dreams and desires as she did before having a breast or two removed. Both of us feel uneasy, being in the middle of someone else's life, a stranger for all intent and purposes. We are hearing intimate details of all phases of her life and are trying to strike a balance between sensationalizing someone's pain and getting her story out. Neither one of us are professional journalists or investigative reporters just 2 photographers who are trying to connect with others through our images and words mixed with love.

Assistance available - reach out

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, so much to be thankful for and so much more to hope for. HOPE, something that we all need to cling to when times seems bleak. Jene & I along with all Carmen's friends, family and acquaintances hope that the outcome will be the best possible for Carmen and for all the women out there who are faced with this disease.

I spent nearly an hour on the phone with my friend Deborah, who recently underwent a mastectomy. She was diagnosed early with the very first stage - DCIS. Her hormone levels were high. Deborah and her husband did their research and decided along with her doctor to have the mastectomy, no cancer was not found in her lymph node so it was agreed that chemo or radiation was not a necessary treatment. She had reconstructive surgery using her own body's fat tissue. The advancements amaze me at times and researchers recently discovered that actual breast tissue has grown back in laboratory rats. Of course it is years away from testing on humans but the potential benefits are astounding.

I told her about the story that Carmen wanted to tell and how it evolved from before and after pictures to her journey that Jene & I are photographing. Admitting that she wished she had more than a bad mirror image of herself before her surgery, I'm guessing that she is not alone is that thought. Maybe it's a vanity thing, or is it a reminder of who you are, and that you really are the same person before and after a mastectomy. Maybe it's more than that, I don't know.

Benefits of support groups - and she highly recommended SHARE You are put in a group with other women going through the same stages that you are, whether it's before or after your surgery. Their warmth, candor and support helped answer a lot of her questions, even overcoming some of her fears.

We talked about alternative holistic treatments such as acupuncture for pain management and yoga for gently stretching the muscles after surgery. OM yoga in the city was Deb's choice and she still goes. She did have some acupuncture BUT her health insurance didn't cover it. To me, that is a major issue with health coverage - in 1995, I paid a little over $1000 for 2 treatments per week for 3 months for allergies and have not suffered since. NOT covered by insurance. Yet my insurance company would have paid 1000 times more if I had gotten weekly allergy shots and medication in the almost 15 years that have past. My feeling... it was the best $1000 I've ever spent in my life.
I've noticed that because of insurance coverage people don't want to pay anything for their health but will pay more than that on maintaining their precious cars. Getting back to the subject....

My intent with today's blog was to mention the support that is out there for Carmen and others in need. Reach out and someone will take hold out your hand.

Namaste,

A radiant smile flashes, giving way to tears

When I/we first decided to help Carmen develop her photo journal I didn't know what was involved. I thought some sensual before and after pictures which is what Carmen originally intended but after you start you find out there is so much more to tell and more that she wants to tell. This is a story that is involved on many levels because Carmen is living on many levels. There's the get through the day Carmen, the Carmen with friends & family, the Carmen alone at night and the Carmen in the arms of her lover. All of this has a deep effect on her... the many faces of Carmen. Carmen is allowing me to tell my story - these are my feelings and observations. I am doing this as a means of helping her to tell her own story. So she can see where the images are going and can make adjustments along the way. Something like the dailies in the movie business.




















































Tonight Jene & I will meet some of her family and dearest friends. Her sister Lilliana has already reached out to me because of my blog, and portrayal of her baby sister. I will meet her mother and will feel her pain and fears for her daughter. Carmen & I spoke of this mother/daughter connection. How I was ushered off to Florida with my parents who wintered down there because they didn't want to leave me alone after my husband left me and my infant daughter. Without words or acquisations they sensed I needed watching over. Most mothers would lay down their lives for their children, wishing that they were the ones striken but instead they must bear witness to their child's suffering and be the pillar of strength.

Time is a factor. She is scheduled for surgery on the 1st of Dec. Monday, we hope to take images on a more intimate level with her lover. Because these are important to her - in spite of the disease she carries inside her, she is still a vital loving woman with all the connections and feelings that go along with being Carmen.

We're just 2 more people here for you Carmen - for what ever that is worth. I think of the people surrounding Carmen like dolphins - they will hold another dolphin up to the surface if they are injured....Namaste.

Breast cancer victim

I deem this woman a victim because that's how she feels - victimized, as are other people afflicted by cancer and other diseases for that matter.
Tonight I am preparing to photograph her as the sensual woman that she sees herself to be. The weight of this disease is bearing down upon her. She is tired and is not feeling very beautiful today. She carries on all her tasks at work but her lumps are forever on her mind seeping into the core of her being and inflicting pain.

My heart goes out to this otherwise stranger who will bear her body, heart and soul in an attempt to tell her story through the images we capture of her. She will stand before me naked.

Jene & I have taken on the burden of photo documenting what she is going through. I hope we can do her story justice. Portraying both her fragility and her strengths in an artful and sensitive manner. I find myself losing sleep over this, tossing my own feelings into the mix. Thinking "but for the grace of God, go I". This disease strikes so many lovely women, could happen to 1 out of 7 women even without a heredity risk factor. What causes it? What can we do, if anything, to prevent it and how do we cope if it befalls us. So much research is being done and yet there doesn't seem to be enough to prevent it. The link is from a recent article in the NY Times.

In a couple of hours, we will meet for the second time, just the 2 of us. I admire her tenacity and openness about what she is going through...

Carmen arrived later than I had hoped. We had a glass of wine and talked about all topics concerning women - from molestation to rape to abortion and I am outraged that others want to take a woman's choice away and turn back the hands of time to when back rooms and coat hangers were the means of terminating an unwanted pregnancy, instead of a doctor's skill and sterile environment. (My personal opinion).

Back to the subject - Carmen and her cancer, her feelings of abandonment, growing up without her father's involvement. Her choice of boyfriends, her marriage and lovers afterward.









Support comes in droves from family, friends and new acquaintances. Well wishes pumped into her like fresh air but she still feels that she is suffocating from what is riddling her body.

Every night, breaking down, focusing on her fears. Every morning waking to face them again and finding enough strength to get her through the day. Not knowing what to say, most tell her not to worry, everything will turn out fine. It's not FINE she inwardly screams. Something inside is trying to kill her. She admits cancer treatments and their prognosis have improved vastly over the years, BUT it doesn't make it any easier to go through when it's you. For a control freak, this is maddening she doesn't have control of her own body. She wants answers and no one can give her those NOW. She knows that she has 2 lumps in one breast and one in the other.
She had a lump in her breast 4 years ago and it was benign. What changed? How did it go from benign to malignant? (These are my questions and probably hers also).

I can't even pretend to know what she is going through. Friday night Jene and I will meet some of her family and friends to learn more about who Carmen is and where she musters up the strength she needs to continue her fight for survival.