Saturday night we met Carmen at a dance studio where she has spent many hours twirling to "hustle" music. We were hoping to catch her enjoying herself on the floor before she undergoes her surgery on Tuesday.


But a cloud hung over her.

The hostess, her friend Donna made announcements about the dance, parking and future events at the studio. She also called Carmen up front and center to let everyone know what their fellow dancer and friend about to undergo and the journey she is on. The reality and impending surgery got the best of Carmen and she understandably broke down. Her intent is to let people know in hopes of helping other women and their families when they are faced with this "doom". It would have been too much for most people to expose publicly but she wants people to understand what she and women go through. I was caught off guard by being called out as her photographers and story tellers, as I'm not comfortable in any limelight. She needs all the love and understanding she can garnish. Friends huddled around her like a protective barrier. One fella said she should stay and dance. Dance like no one is watching is what came to my mind.

I feel at odds documenting this because what I wanted to capture was the sheer joy of dance and I don't think I/we managed it very well. But this is part of her story and this is our goal.
I do feel strongly about helping Carmen through this and I know my blog has touched other people because I've been contacted by a few who told me how my words have struck home with them and how they smile through their tears. I want her to know that we are accomplishing her goal. To connect in a most humanistic way.

Carmen tried to fill her last week with fun, hosting along with her sister on Thanksgiving Eve at Macy's and then viewing the parade from VIP seating.

I can't begin to fathom what she is going through the day before her surgery, I can only liken it to when my daughter was 8 years old and a tumor was discovered in her sinus cavity. Bolstered by mother at my side; knowing how very painful it was for her to idly watch as I crumbled inwardly; they wheeled my baby into the O.R. for the biopsy. There is nothing anyone can do or say to quiet your deepest fears. The days between the biopsy and the results were excruciatingly torturous for me. All the well wishes and the have faiths fell on deaf ears. At long last, the word benign was heaven sent but the tumor was still growing and had to be removed. My sister came with me on the 4th of July to admit her. She wanted crispy KFC for dinner, that's what she remembers the most. The fact that I had to leave my baby alone for the night in a strange hospital still does not sit well with me. I'm sure she was scared, I know I was. Scared to death but somehow I mustered up all my strength to kiss her goodnight and bravely walk away. On the upside, two adult patients that befriended her took her to another floor to view the fireworks. Her father was at my side during the surgery, it wasn't a big help but at least we clung to each other. She was fine; wonderful doctors and nurses cared for her and I knew that my Father was watching over her too. BUT I was shaken to my core. I still remember her teeth chattering uncontrollably as they took her away from me.

In one way, I am glad that Jene said he would meet Carmen at the hospital for document this segment of her journey. I don't know if I could look at her mother and sister without dredging up my own past fears. No Carmen is not a child, but she is her mother's baby and always will be. She will always be Lilliana's baby sister even at this age. These feelings cannot be shaken off easily and sleep will not come easily to the Mendez family tonight. All the unthinkable thoughts will run through their weary heads tonight no matter how hard they try. Carmen will be in the care of her doctor and his team soon and my hearts go out to this family and I wish them all well. There are plenty of people that care about this women and Jene & I have become a part of this circle. Good luck Carmen, and I will see you soon.