When things get in your way....

Life is funny, there are so many paths that one can choose, and you hope it leads you where you want to go. Sometimes it doesn't and the perfect job, perfect love, perfect anything eludes you. But you can chose to let go of what holds you back. When one door closes, another one opens.

I met Jene by chance, I chose to listen to a friend who thought I needed a man in my life. We both decided to take a chance on each other, I was 54, he was 62. He brought my dreams into the forefront of my mind again. He decided it was time to turn his passion for photography into his life's work and retired. I must admit, I was a tad envious so at the age of 56, I chose to leave a very good paying job to pursue the arts once again. Many people thought I was crazy and maybe I was/am. I was too young to collect SS and couldn't collect on my 401K for years. I could live off savings for awhile and threw caution to the winds and took the leap. My co-workers all wished they were me. (No one ever wanted my life before that so it made me laugh). A gutsy move, I was out of my comfort zone.

Art is one of the most beautiful forms of expression. You bear your soul because the way you see the world tells a lot about who you are. It is this connection through my photography that I try to make. That's is what I do, that is what I love.
When I photograph flowers, I try to bring the beauty in front of you, to make you stop and take a closer look. We all rush through life, by passing things we enjoy on our way to something else. When I capture children I find the innocence or wisdom in their eyes.

I was separated from my husband 5 months after Danielle was born. When my daughter was young it would take me an hour to walk the 5 minutes to the grocery store. We stopped to watch the ants, to look at a flower, to seek out all of life's little pleasures.
We would fly kites at the park and enjoy each other. I had my own pottery shop/studio and she was with me daily. We had very little and money was scarce, so I had to get a real paying job.

There was a period when because of work and stuff, I didn't have the time any longer. I worked 15 to 18 hours a day at least 4 days a week. I climbed the corporate ladder, I was saving for our future. At the age of 9, my daughter said "If I wanted to be an orphan, I wouldn't have had parents". I cried all night and handed in my letter of resignation the next day. I was going to spend the summer with her, enjoying every moment. Come Sept, for the first time, I walked her to school, she did have a mother, I worked at the school bake sale, she introduced me to her classmates... she was so happy to prove that she like all the other kids, had a mother.

Of course I had to eventually go back to work and the same workload was upon me, late hours, when it finally dawned on me again, I quit. This time she was 12. The next job, I held for 19 years because the hours were normal and I could be home by 7, the latest. But as the complexion of corporate life changed this job became too stressful so I quit because of me.

I wanted to simplify my life. What is it that I wanted to be when I grew up - an artist. I wanted to express my feelings, to see the beauty in the world and also to show the more introspective side of life. My "Inner Sanctum" series does that. It tells about the melancholy that pervades my body and soul... my thoughts, longings as well as the contentment that I feel when I walk through my darkened rooms, rooms that were once alive with the sounds of laughter and of love. These feeling envelope me, they bring me an odd sense of serenity and peace that I used to get when I'd wrap myself in the red cashmere sweater that I gave my mother, her scent lingered for years after she died. I would sit alone in the dark and weep sweet tears because I felt secure in her love.

I luxuriate in these feelings. I remember the summer before my daughter went off to college, I would look down at her sleeping body and see her as a baby; a 'dot' in her bed that turned into a 'dash' and is now a 'line' that spanned from her pillow to the foot of the bed. My baby, my dear sweet baby was grown. Where did the time go? How lucky I am, how utterly blessed I felt. I wouldn't trade my life for any other in this world. I surround myself with these feelings and it is wonderful. I cherish the moments spent in the arms of my lover after he returns to his apt. I stand in the doorway of the room that my granddaughters shared when they lived with me, I look at a few stuff toys they left behind for future visits. They took 2 of my bears when they moved so they could sleep with them and always be reminded of nonna. I tell them I am never far, because I am always in their hearts as they are in mine. It is a comfort to know that, to feel that deep in your core. This is what I gave them - memories to cherish when the moments are gone. This is what is important in life. To enjoy the people in your life whenever you can.

By chance, Carmen came into our lives, and now other people are reaching out to me. They wished I was in their lives back then... when they were going through their own pain. They have their own stories to tell. They relate... We are all on this planet together and it is only when you connect that you don't feel so all alone.