Ready or not, here we come....

Jene and I hoped that we could get more of a story and Carmen's feelings as well as her mother's and sister's as she went into the hospital, from a humanistic standpoint. At first the time told to us was 10:00am as the ETA which would have enabled me to meet Jene there. Carmen and Jene spoke the night before after the hospital had set the time to 7:30am with 2:00 surgery time . Jene thought he could handle this by himself, knowing what pictures we wanted to help convey her story.

Jene woke up early (6am, early for him), walked the dog, who wondered what was going on and why were they going for a walk in the middle of the night). He wasn't prepared for Carmen even though she called him as he was walking to the subway and told him of her migraine.

When the car arrived and mom brought out Carmen holding her up with Carmen's head on her shoulders he felt he had to help. When a man comes into the picture, they are in charge - oops there goes the photographic control. Now Jene had to answer questions from the guard while getting a wheel chair.

Carmen is telling anyone who will listen where she needs to go. At least the admitting office was empty of people and we were able to get papers signed, four or five signatures.

Off to the Cromin building for radiation. Meet another doctor, sign more forms, and Carmen's breast is injected with dye, a picture is taken, which is given to them to bring to the OR (One would think that it could be computerized and sent to the operating room in an instant).

Jene recognizes the codependency tendencies in Carmen and in himself because he went through some similar situations in his childhood and relationships afterward. Finally he realized his issues and sought help with Caron org. , a recovery organization.

Anyway, back to the subject.
Undergoing a mastectomy is not to be taken lightly, both Jene & I agree that it is a terrible disease that effects so many women and their families. Most shy away from the limelight. Carmen gravitates towards it. We are not passing judgement because that is not our role. We are telling a story, her story and relating it to the commonality that most women would feel even if they chose not to share it publicly.

Carmen is not the only woman to lose her breasts, just one who is crying out to be heard, to let everyone know how it feels, what she is going through and how she is trying to cope with it.
Jene and I are trying to tell her story because it does effect so many women, ones too shy or private to talk about it publicly. Ones who only shared their most intimate feelings and fears with their family and close friends as I have with Jene.

Women who don't want to have people wonder which breast is the real one in hushed whispers. Hopefully bringing her story out into the open will help others understand that a woman still has the same feelings, thoughts, dreams and desires as she did before having a breast or two removed. Both of us feel uneasy, being in the middle of someone else's life, a stranger for all intent and purposes. We are hearing intimate details of all phases of her life and are trying to strike a balance between sensationalizing someone's pain and getting her story out. Neither one of us are professional journalists or investigative reporters just 2 photographers who are trying to connect with others through our images and words mixed with love.

Letting go and moving forward

As survivors, we seek hope in the ruins of despair. It doesn't matter what you are going through, we can all relate to feeling the darkness and loneliness that despair brings to our doorsteps. Feelings we must recognize, accept and try to let go of. The letting go part is the hardest, we cling to things for fear of the unknown. We hold our pain close to our hearts instead of releasing it and opening our hearts to be filled with all the blessings we do have. And we do have many, which is realized when you start to count them, even the smallest ones.
I wake every morning, happy to have woken. A new day - a new start. I try to let go of the little hurts that plague me, not the physical aches, but the ones we try to brush aside. This is where hope comes in. But hope alone can't change anything unless you are willing to change. Why do we think that if we keep walking down the same path, that we won't meet upon the same obstacles. Stubborn? Stupid? We think we can change something, someone solely with our persistence or our love.

I am as stubborn as they come, I used to say that I would bang my head against a wall trying to break through and that my daughter would say hmmmmm a door, let me go that way. I would think ahhhhhh, the path of least resistance, that's not a good road to take... HELLO! yes sometimes it is. Now I only bang my head against it a few times before I say DUH. Jene calls me a "slow learner", sometimes I am, BUT I am learning ;-).

When did I have my first real epiphany - nearly 20 years ago (hence the "slow learner" status). It is a long story and not really relevant other than to say you can't always effect the change you want especially if it has to do with another person - all you can do is change how you deal with it. You can only affect change in yourself, in order to let go of the suffering in your life. It doesn't take it away, it just allows you to function in a emotionally healthier way that leads to growth, peace and serenity. (This is something that just about everyone is aware of and having my degree in Pscyhology made me more aware but then there's the "talking the talk & then the walking the walk" syndrome).

Carmen has enough to deal with breast cancer and yet finds herself walking down the same road in other areas of her life. I hope that along with the physical pain that she will overcome that she can let go of all her pain and heal from the inside out.

And while Jene and I want to help her tell her story, it is because it is not something that is unique to Carmen. Breast cancer affects nearly 1 in 7 women. It is a story of what women go through, their fight to survive, to live a full life again, to love and be loved because of who they are. But isn't this what all of us want anyway - to be understood, to be comforted, to be held close when we are scared to death, to connect to one another, to be a part of the whole picture.

Good luck today Carmen, and to all the other's out there - good luck to you too.

Saturday night we met Carmen at a dance studio where she has spent many hours twirling to "hustle" music. We were hoping to catch her enjoying herself on the floor before she undergoes her surgery on Tuesday.


But a cloud hung over her.

The hostess, her friend Donna made announcements about the dance, parking and future events at the studio. She also called Carmen up front and center to let everyone know what their fellow dancer and friend about to undergo and the journey she is on. The reality and impending surgery got the best of Carmen and she understandably broke down. Her intent is to let people know in hopes of helping other women and their families when they are faced with this "doom". It would have been too much for most people to expose publicly but she wants people to understand what she and women go through. I was caught off guard by being called out as her photographers and story tellers, as I'm not comfortable in any limelight. She needs all the love and understanding she can garnish. Friends huddled around her like a protective barrier. One fella said she should stay and dance. Dance like no one is watching is what came to my mind.

I feel at odds documenting this because what I wanted to capture was the sheer joy of dance and I don't think I/we managed it very well. But this is part of her story and this is our goal.
I do feel strongly about helping Carmen through this and I know my blog has touched other people because I've been contacted by a few who told me how my words have struck home with them and how they smile through their tears. I want her to know that we are accomplishing her goal. To connect in a most humanistic way.

Carmen tried to fill her last week with fun, hosting along with her sister on Thanksgiving Eve at Macy's and then viewing the parade from VIP seating.

I can't begin to fathom what she is going through the day before her surgery, I can only liken it to when my daughter was 8 years old and a tumor was discovered in her sinus cavity. Bolstered by mother at my side; knowing how very painful it was for her to idly watch as I crumbled inwardly; they wheeled my baby into the O.R. for the biopsy. There is nothing anyone can do or say to quiet your deepest fears. The days between the biopsy and the results were excruciatingly torturous for me. All the well wishes and the have faiths fell on deaf ears. At long last, the word benign was heaven sent but the tumor was still growing and had to be removed. My sister came with me on the 4th of July to admit her. She wanted crispy KFC for dinner, that's what she remembers the most. The fact that I had to leave my baby alone for the night in a strange hospital still does not sit well with me. I'm sure she was scared, I know I was. Scared to death but somehow I mustered up all my strength to kiss her goodnight and bravely walk away. On the upside, two adult patients that befriended her took her to another floor to view the fireworks. Her father was at my side during the surgery, it wasn't a big help but at least we clung to each other. She was fine; wonderful doctors and nurses cared for her and I knew that my Father was watching over her too. BUT I was shaken to my core. I still remember her teeth chattering uncontrollably as they took her away from me.

In one way, I am glad that Jene said he would meet Carmen at the hospital for document this segment of her journey. I don't know if I could look at her mother and sister without dredging up my own past fears. No Carmen is not a child, but she is her mother's baby and always will be. She will always be Lilliana's baby sister even at this age. These feelings cannot be shaken off easily and sleep will not come easily to the Mendez family tonight. All the unthinkable thoughts will run through their weary heads tonight no matter how hard they try. Carmen will be in the care of her doctor and his team soon and my hearts go out to this family and I wish them all well. There are plenty of people that care about this women and Jene & I have become a part of this circle. Good luck Carmen, and I will see you soon.

reconstruction surgery has come a long way

This is a link about breast cancer surgery and deep flap reconstructive surgery that my friend underwent. It shows her complete surgery. The upside is hearing from the last woman who talked about how complete her life is. She is happy.

Thank you Deborah for sharing this with me/us.

Assistance available - reach out

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, so much to be thankful for and so much more to hope for. HOPE, something that we all need to cling to when times seems bleak. Jene & I along with all Carmen's friends, family and acquaintances hope that the outcome will be the best possible for Carmen and for all the women out there who are faced with this disease.

I spent nearly an hour on the phone with my friend Deborah, who recently underwent a mastectomy. She was diagnosed early with the very first stage - DCIS. Her hormone levels were high. Deborah and her husband did their research and decided along with her doctor to have the mastectomy, no cancer was not found in her lymph node so it was agreed that chemo or radiation was not a necessary treatment. She had reconstructive surgery using her own body's fat tissue. The advancements amaze me at times and researchers recently discovered that actual breast tissue has grown back in laboratory rats. Of course it is years away from testing on humans but the potential benefits are astounding.

I told her about the story that Carmen wanted to tell and how it evolved from before and after pictures to her journey that Jene & I are photographing. Admitting that she wished she had more than a bad mirror image of herself before her surgery, I'm guessing that she is not alone is that thought. Maybe it's a vanity thing, or is it a reminder of who you are, and that you really are the same person before and after a mastectomy. Maybe it's more than that, I don't know.

Benefits of support groups - and she highly recommended SHARE You are put in a group with other women going through the same stages that you are, whether it's before or after your surgery. Their warmth, candor and support helped answer a lot of her questions, even overcoming some of her fears.

We talked about alternative holistic treatments such as acupuncture for pain management and yoga for gently stretching the muscles after surgery. OM yoga in the city was Deb's choice and she still goes. She did have some acupuncture BUT her health insurance didn't cover it. To me, that is a major issue with health coverage - in 1995, I paid a little over $1000 for 2 treatments per week for 3 months for allergies and have not suffered since. NOT covered by insurance. Yet my insurance company would have paid 1000 times more if I had gotten weekly allergy shots and medication in the almost 15 years that have past. My feeling... it was the best $1000 I've ever spent in my life.
I've noticed that because of insurance coverage people don't want to pay anything for their health but will pay more than that on maintaining their precious cars. Getting back to the subject....

My intent with today's blog was to mention the support that is out there for Carmen and others in need. Reach out and someone will take hold out your hand.

Namaste,

Pink Gloves breast cancer awareness

Our daughter-in-law, Emily (MacInnes) Somers, created,
directed and choreographed this in Portland last week
for her Medline glove division as a fundraiser for
breast cancer awareness. This was all her idea to
help promote their new pink gloves. I don't know
how she got so many employees, doctors and patients to
participate, but it started to really catch on and they
all had a lot of fun doing it. When the video gets 1 million hits,
Medline will be making a huge contribution to the hospital, as
well as offering free mammograms for the community.
Please check it out. It's an easy and great
way to donate to a wonderful cause, and who hasn't
been touched by breast cancer?

Ann Somers

When things get in your way....

Life is funny, there are so many paths that one can choose, and you hope it leads you where you want to go. Sometimes it doesn't and the perfect job, perfect love, perfect anything eludes you. But you can chose to let go of what holds you back. When one door closes, another one opens.

I met Jene by chance, I chose to listen to a friend who thought I needed a man in my life. We both decided to take a chance on each other, I was 54, he was 62. He brought my dreams into the forefront of my mind again. He decided it was time to turn his passion for photography into his life's work and retired. I must admit, I was a tad envious so at the age of 56, I chose to leave a very good paying job to pursue the arts once again. Many people thought I was crazy and maybe I was/am. I was too young to collect SS and couldn't collect on my 401K for years. I could live off savings for awhile and threw caution to the winds and took the leap. My co-workers all wished they were me. (No one ever wanted my life before that so it made me laugh). A gutsy move, I was out of my comfort zone.

Art is one of the most beautiful forms of expression. You bear your soul because the way you see the world tells a lot about who you are. It is this connection through my photography that I try to make. That's is what I do, that is what I love.
When I photograph flowers, I try to bring the beauty in front of you, to make you stop and take a closer look. We all rush through life, by passing things we enjoy on our way to something else. When I capture children I find the innocence or wisdom in their eyes.

I was separated from my husband 5 months after Danielle was born. When my daughter was young it would take me an hour to walk the 5 minutes to the grocery store. We stopped to watch the ants, to look at a flower, to seek out all of life's little pleasures.
We would fly kites at the park and enjoy each other. I had my own pottery shop/studio and she was with me daily. We had very little and money was scarce, so I had to get a real paying job.

There was a period when because of work and stuff, I didn't have the time any longer. I worked 15 to 18 hours a day at least 4 days a week. I climbed the corporate ladder, I was saving for our future. At the age of 9, my daughter said "If I wanted to be an orphan, I wouldn't have had parents". I cried all night and handed in my letter of resignation the next day. I was going to spend the summer with her, enjoying every moment. Come Sept, for the first time, I walked her to school, she did have a mother, I worked at the school bake sale, she introduced me to her classmates... she was so happy to prove that she like all the other kids, had a mother.

Of course I had to eventually go back to work and the same workload was upon me, late hours, when it finally dawned on me again, I quit. This time she was 12. The next job, I held for 19 years because the hours were normal and I could be home by 7, the latest. But as the complexion of corporate life changed this job became too stressful so I quit because of me.

I wanted to simplify my life. What is it that I wanted to be when I grew up - an artist. I wanted to express my feelings, to see the beauty in the world and also to show the more introspective side of life. My "Inner Sanctum" series does that. It tells about the melancholy that pervades my body and soul... my thoughts, longings as well as the contentment that I feel when I walk through my darkened rooms, rooms that were once alive with the sounds of laughter and of love. These feeling envelope me, they bring me an odd sense of serenity and peace that I used to get when I'd wrap myself in the red cashmere sweater that I gave my mother, her scent lingered for years after she died. I would sit alone in the dark and weep sweet tears because I felt secure in her love.

I luxuriate in these feelings. I remember the summer before my daughter went off to college, I would look down at her sleeping body and see her as a baby; a 'dot' in her bed that turned into a 'dash' and is now a 'line' that spanned from her pillow to the foot of the bed. My baby, my dear sweet baby was grown. Where did the time go? How lucky I am, how utterly blessed I felt. I wouldn't trade my life for any other in this world. I surround myself with these feelings and it is wonderful. I cherish the moments spent in the arms of my lover after he returns to his apt. I stand in the doorway of the room that my granddaughters shared when they lived with me, I look at a few stuff toys they left behind for future visits. They took 2 of my bears when they moved so they could sleep with them and always be reminded of nonna. I tell them I am never far, because I am always in their hearts as they are in mine. It is a comfort to know that, to feel that deep in your core. This is what I gave them - memories to cherish when the moments are gone. This is what is important in life. To enjoy the people in your life whenever you can.

By chance, Carmen came into our lives, and now other people are reaching out to me. They wished I was in their lives back then... when they were going through their own pain. They have their own stories to tell. They relate... We are all on this planet together and it is only when you connect that you don't feel so all alone.