Saturday night we met Carmen at a dance studio where she has spent many hours twirling to "hustle" music. We were hoping to catch her enjoying herself on the floor before she undergoes her surgery on Tuesday.


But a cloud hung over her.

The hostess, her friend Donna made announcements about the dance, parking and future events at the studio. She also called Carmen up front and center to let everyone know what their fellow dancer and friend about to undergo and the journey she is on. The reality and impending surgery got the best of Carmen and she understandably broke down. Her intent is to let people know in hopes of helping other women and their families when they are faced with this "doom". It would have been too much for most people to expose publicly but she wants people to understand what she and women go through. I was caught off guard by being called out as her photographers and story tellers, as I'm not comfortable in any limelight. She needs all the love and understanding she can garnish. Friends huddled around her like a protective barrier. One fella said she should stay and dance. Dance like no one is watching is what came to my mind.

I feel at odds documenting this because what I wanted to capture was the sheer joy of dance and I don't think I/we managed it very well. But this is part of her story and this is our goal.
I do feel strongly about helping Carmen through this and I know my blog has touched other people because I've been contacted by a few who told me how my words have struck home with them and how they smile through their tears. I want her to know that we are accomplishing her goal. To connect in a most humanistic way.

Carmen tried to fill her last week with fun, hosting along with her sister on Thanksgiving Eve at Macy's and then viewing the parade from VIP seating.

I can't begin to fathom what she is going through the day before her surgery, I can only liken it to when my daughter was 8 years old and a tumor was discovered in her sinus cavity. Bolstered by mother at my side; knowing how very painful it was for her to idly watch as I crumbled inwardly; they wheeled my baby into the O.R. for the biopsy. There is nothing anyone can do or say to quiet your deepest fears. The days between the biopsy and the results were excruciatingly torturous for me. All the well wishes and the have faiths fell on deaf ears. At long last, the word benign was heaven sent but the tumor was still growing and had to be removed. My sister came with me on the 4th of July to admit her. She wanted crispy KFC for dinner, that's what she remembers the most. The fact that I had to leave my baby alone for the night in a strange hospital still does not sit well with me. I'm sure she was scared, I know I was. Scared to death but somehow I mustered up all my strength to kiss her goodnight and bravely walk away. On the upside, two adult patients that befriended her took her to another floor to view the fireworks. Her father was at my side during the surgery, it wasn't a big help but at least we clung to each other. She was fine; wonderful doctors and nurses cared for her and I knew that my Father was watching over her too. BUT I was shaken to my core. I still remember her teeth chattering uncontrollably as they took her away from me.

In one way, I am glad that Jene said he would meet Carmen at the hospital for document this segment of her journey. I don't know if I could look at her mother and sister without dredging up my own past fears. No Carmen is not a child, but she is her mother's baby and always will be. She will always be Lilliana's baby sister even at this age. These feelings cannot be shaken off easily and sleep will not come easily to the Mendez family tonight. All the unthinkable thoughts will run through their weary heads tonight no matter how hard they try. Carmen will be in the care of her doctor and his team soon and my hearts go out to this family and I wish them all well. There are plenty of people that care about this women and Jene & I have become a part of this circle. Good luck Carmen, and I will see you soon.

reconstruction surgery has come a long way

This is a link about breast cancer surgery and deep flap reconstructive surgery that my friend underwent. It shows her complete surgery. The upside is hearing from the last woman who talked about how complete her life is. She is happy.

Thank you Deborah for sharing this with me/us.

Assistance available - reach out

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, so much to be thankful for and so much more to hope for. HOPE, something that we all need to cling to when times seems bleak. Jene & I along with all Carmen's friends, family and acquaintances hope that the outcome will be the best possible for Carmen and for all the women out there who are faced with this disease.

I spent nearly an hour on the phone with my friend Deborah, who recently underwent a mastectomy. She was diagnosed early with the very first stage - DCIS. Her hormone levels were high. Deborah and her husband did their research and decided along with her doctor to have the mastectomy, no cancer was not found in her lymph node so it was agreed that chemo or radiation was not a necessary treatment. She had reconstructive surgery using her own body's fat tissue. The advancements amaze me at times and researchers recently discovered that actual breast tissue has grown back in laboratory rats. Of course it is years away from testing on humans but the potential benefits are astounding.

I told her about the story that Carmen wanted to tell and how it evolved from before and after pictures to her journey that Jene & I are photographing. Admitting that she wished she had more than a bad mirror image of herself before her surgery, I'm guessing that she is not alone is that thought. Maybe it's a vanity thing, or is it a reminder of who you are, and that you really are the same person before and after a mastectomy. Maybe it's more than that, I don't know.

Benefits of support groups - and she highly recommended SHARE You are put in a group with other women going through the same stages that you are, whether it's before or after your surgery. Their warmth, candor and support helped answer a lot of her questions, even overcoming some of her fears.

We talked about alternative holistic treatments such as acupuncture for pain management and yoga for gently stretching the muscles after surgery. OM yoga in the city was Deb's choice and she still goes. She did have some acupuncture BUT her health insurance didn't cover it. To me, that is a major issue with health coverage - in 1995, I paid a little over $1000 for 2 treatments per week for 3 months for allergies and have not suffered since. NOT covered by insurance. Yet my insurance company would have paid 1000 times more if I had gotten weekly allergy shots and medication in the almost 15 years that have past. My feeling... it was the best $1000 I've ever spent in my life.
I've noticed that because of insurance coverage people don't want to pay anything for their health but will pay more than that on maintaining their precious cars. Getting back to the subject....

My intent with today's blog was to mention the support that is out there for Carmen and others in need. Reach out and someone will take hold out your hand.

Namaste,

Pink Gloves breast cancer awareness

Our daughter-in-law, Emily (MacInnes) Somers, created,
directed and choreographed this in Portland last week
for her Medline glove division as a fundraiser for
breast cancer awareness. This was all her idea to
help promote their new pink gloves. I don't know
how she got so many employees, doctors and patients to
participate, but it started to really catch on and they
all had a lot of fun doing it. When the video gets 1 million hits,
Medline will be making a huge contribution to the hospital, as
well as offering free mammograms for the community.
Please check it out. It's an easy and great
way to donate to a wonderful cause, and who hasn't
been touched by breast cancer?

Ann Somers

When things get in your way....

Life is funny, there are so many paths that one can choose, and you hope it leads you where you want to go. Sometimes it doesn't and the perfect job, perfect love, perfect anything eludes you. But you can chose to let go of what holds you back. When one door closes, another one opens.

I met Jene by chance, I chose to listen to a friend who thought I needed a man in my life. We both decided to take a chance on each other, I was 54, he was 62. He brought my dreams into the forefront of my mind again. He decided it was time to turn his passion for photography into his life's work and retired. I must admit, I was a tad envious so at the age of 56, I chose to leave a very good paying job to pursue the arts once again. Many people thought I was crazy and maybe I was/am. I was too young to collect SS and couldn't collect on my 401K for years. I could live off savings for awhile and threw caution to the winds and took the leap. My co-workers all wished they were me. (No one ever wanted my life before that so it made me laugh). A gutsy move, I was out of my comfort zone.

Art is one of the most beautiful forms of expression. You bear your soul because the way you see the world tells a lot about who you are. It is this connection through my photography that I try to make. That's is what I do, that is what I love.
When I photograph flowers, I try to bring the beauty in front of you, to make you stop and take a closer look. We all rush through life, by passing things we enjoy on our way to something else. When I capture children I find the innocence or wisdom in their eyes.

I was separated from my husband 5 months after Danielle was born. When my daughter was young it would take me an hour to walk the 5 minutes to the grocery store. We stopped to watch the ants, to look at a flower, to seek out all of life's little pleasures.
We would fly kites at the park and enjoy each other. I had my own pottery shop/studio and she was with me daily. We had very little and money was scarce, so I had to get a real paying job.

There was a period when because of work and stuff, I didn't have the time any longer. I worked 15 to 18 hours a day at least 4 days a week. I climbed the corporate ladder, I was saving for our future. At the age of 9, my daughter said "If I wanted to be an orphan, I wouldn't have had parents". I cried all night and handed in my letter of resignation the next day. I was going to spend the summer with her, enjoying every moment. Come Sept, for the first time, I walked her to school, she did have a mother, I worked at the school bake sale, she introduced me to her classmates... she was so happy to prove that she like all the other kids, had a mother.

Of course I had to eventually go back to work and the same workload was upon me, late hours, when it finally dawned on me again, I quit. This time she was 12. The next job, I held for 19 years because the hours were normal and I could be home by 7, the latest. But as the complexion of corporate life changed this job became too stressful so I quit because of me.

I wanted to simplify my life. What is it that I wanted to be when I grew up - an artist. I wanted to express my feelings, to see the beauty in the world and also to show the more introspective side of life. My "Inner Sanctum" series does that. It tells about the melancholy that pervades my body and soul... my thoughts, longings as well as the contentment that I feel when I walk through my darkened rooms, rooms that were once alive with the sounds of laughter and of love. These feeling envelope me, they bring me an odd sense of serenity and peace that I used to get when I'd wrap myself in the red cashmere sweater that I gave my mother, her scent lingered for years after she died. I would sit alone in the dark and weep sweet tears because I felt secure in her love.

I luxuriate in these feelings. I remember the summer before my daughter went off to college, I would look down at her sleeping body and see her as a baby; a 'dot' in her bed that turned into a 'dash' and is now a 'line' that spanned from her pillow to the foot of the bed. My baby, my dear sweet baby was grown. Where did the time go? How lucky I am, how utterly blessed I felt. I wouldn't trade my life for any other in this world. I surround myself with these feelings and it is wonderful. I cherish the moments spent in the arms of my lover after he returns to his apt. I stand in the doorway of the room that my granddaughters shared when they lived with me, I look at a few stuff toys they left behind for future visits. They took 2 of my bears when they moved so they could sleep with them and always be reminded of nonna. I tell them I am never far, because I am always in their hearts as they are in mine. It is a comfort to know that, to feel that deep in your core. This is what I gave them - memories to cherish when the moments are gone. This is what is important in life. To enjoy the people in your life whenever you can.

By chance, Carmen came into our lives, and now other people are reaching out to me. They wished I was in their lives back then... when they were going through their own pain. They have their own stories to tell. They relate... We are all on this planet together and it is only when you connect that you don't feel so all alone.

Written and read by Carmen's niece Evita.

Carmen's niece Evita summed up everything that Carmen's friends and family were thinking. This is what she wrote:

"F" cancer. "F" cancer and the way it robs a person of security. Of stillness and certainty. Of purpose and meaning. "F" the way it steals away the moments of laugher and shadows them with fear. F the way it erases the achievements, the experiences, the castle that was slaved over to build. I hate going to see her, though she tells me it means so much. I hate being faced with her morality. In knowing the possibilities, the statistics aren't the minimal sort that people scoff at before taking a dive. I hate seeing the look in her eyes. Despite the smile she puts on for all of us, I see the pain and the anger. I hate that just when she starts to laugh the impending future reers it vicious head. I hate that she's come to terms with death. It's easy to order her to fight, it's easy to command her strength, it's easy to flood her with nice things to say and assuring pats on the back. It's what people do when there's nothing to say. Everyone's too afraid to tell her that it's okay to be scared, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to want to scream at the top of thier lungs and cry until she's barely able to catch her breath. There are no words to say, nothing I can do to make any of it better. I hate that.

I want to fix it. Like a mother watching her child suffer, I want to pick up the pieces and sew and glue it all back together for her. I want to magically turn the dial and put us back in a time that smelled of perfection and glowed with warmth. I want to hear her laughter without the falling silence moments afterward. I want her to go back to talking about her exciting plans, not the precautionary ones. I want to see the calm serenity in every inch of her face that onced lingered. I want to cradle her in my arms like a child and confidently, knowingly tell her everything will be okay. I want to unzip my chest and tuck her away into the safety of my heart. But I can't. I'm left, like everyone else that loves her to stand aside and watch. It leaves me wanting to rip out my hair, slam my head against a wall out of fear and panic. It all sounds so selfish, but in the end that's what people are. We want the ones we love for us, because we need them. We're so intricately connected that every second she goes through this, we're right there, suffering with her. We feel it, too.

Tears give way to laughter when love fills a room.

Friday night Jene and I were invited over to Carmen's to meet some of her family and closest friends. Carol, a friend of 30 years, and Carmen's mother were there to greet us. It was here that I came to realize that Carmen, the daughter is her mother's namesake and family calls the mother
Carmen and her Maritza. We had time to speak alone to her mother and Carol (a long time cancer survivor). Carol has fibermyalgia and is not always feeling strong enough to leave her house but she made her way from the city to be by her dear friend's side. It was a strange gathering that touched upon "Tuesdays With Moorie". Carmen orchestrated this for our sake; as a way of getting to know her better because we are the product of those around us and who we are to them helps define who we are.


Her mother told me about raising 2 daughters alone and that sometimes her discipline may have seemed harsh but she needed them to learn life's lessons because she was working and wasn't home all the time. It's not easy being the mother, father and breadwinner. We raise our children as best we can under the circumstances. We are MOTHERS. This is not to say that fathers don't do the same but in most cases the rearing of the children is at the hands of the mothers. Carmen's father was pretty much out of the picture when her parents separated.

Tears flowed as we spoke of a mother's pain, of feeling helpless when your child is sick, wishing to God that He transfer this disease to you and spare your child. Watching over her is not enough, being there is not enough. My heart breaks for this woman I had met only moments ago. I could be in her place. I have gone through the same anguish recently crawling into my daughter's hospital bed when what was thought of as her asthma symptoms was actually pulmonary embolisms on both her lungs - blood clots. My daughter was dying slowly and no one realized at first. There is no greater love than a mother's love and it doesn't stop.


Your babies are your babies at any age. To see an otherwise strong woman weep, can bring me to my knees. I wanted to crumble. Quickly I try to distance myself emotionally, I am here to tell a story because that is what I do.









Lilliana, her older sister came next, feeling a bit awkward in the spotlight. Her daughter Evita brought her baby. We were in the midst of 4 generations. The baby brought smiles of joy into the room, little did she know that she was the emotional balance. Little by little, cousins and friends gathered.
Tears stained cheeks, sobs muffled by tight embraces, strong arms pulled Carmen in closer to their hearts.



Arrangements secretly made brought cousin, Lalo up from Puerto Rico to help bolster her strength. Jene & I explained how important this small cluster of people were. How we would gain a better insight into how she grew up "Maritza". The 3 cousins, Jeanette, Lalo and Maritza, cohorts in their youth spent together in P.R. Stories of sneaking out at night, screams of laughter broke through the somberness of the evening. Carmen is in her element.








Each spoke briefly, Evita wrote and read her feelings aloud to us - her anger and frustrations rang true in her words. ... "F" cancer and the way it robs a person of security..." "I hate being faced with her morality"... "I want to hear her laughter without the falling silence moments afterward" "I want to turn back the hands of time....Her fears echoed what other's held back. How dare this disease cripple a family, tossing them into their own isolated hells. It strips a woman of a part of her body, the scars will be visible, the trauma will be lasting but we all hope that Carmen Maritza will prevail. That her heart will remain full of the love that filled the room and will get her through the next phase of her life.
Thank you Harry, Carol, Jessie, Audrey, Debbie, Jeanette, Andy, Evita, Lalo, Michael and Carmen for sharing your stories with us and for bringing smiles back to Carmen's face. It's never easy to face cancer but it is a lot harder if you face it alone.
I will hold Carmen, her family and friends in the light.
Namaste.

Live for the moment

I have always been a firm believer in living each moment as if it was the last day of your life. That doesn't mean I'm not a planner or did not save for the future because I always have. BUT, I always try to live each day with as much joy and love that I can squeeze in. Because no one knows when it will be over for them or for someone they love.

Funny, a former love once said that I've had everything I wanted in life. WTF! Did he think I wanted to give birth to a child and have my husband tell me he was in love with another? Did he think I wanted a child who spent enough time in hospitals with asthma? Did he think I wanted my only daughter to separate from her husband after having 2 babies and have her move in with me? WANT! I laughed. Well you always seem happy. As the tears streamed down my face - I choked out the words - "I chose to be happy". I chose to create a warm, and loving environment (not that life with a teenager was always loving). A home that was open to my daughter's friends. who would stay and talk to me about boyfriends even when she wasn't at home. I chose to make my life as good as I could...
As Edith Piaf sang - Non, je ne regrette rien.

I lived without a man in my life for 5 years before meeting Jene. And we laugh because neither of us was the other's type. But a relationship comes with ups and downs. 6 months into building a relationship, Jene had vascular surgery and I thought, he could die. He could be gone from me forever. At that time I wasn't even in love with him and I wondered where our relationship would end. END... I don't want to worry about that instead I would enjoy each moment while it lasted.

I was there for my parents while they were alive.... little regrets if any. I was there for my daughter and my granddaughters and even my son-in-law. I was there for my friends when they needed me because when they are gone - I can't go back in time and be there for them ...

People make fun of me, I've driven an hour north to be with a friend going through a divorce, then drove 2 hours south to be with a friend who's husband had died of lung cancer in a day. I fit it in because I want to, because I can, because it makes me happy. And yes, these are friends who in turn would be there for me at a drop of a hat.

Another thing I've learned is when your heart is full of love, there is little room for hate. And it is gives you a nicer outlook on life.

So my advice to all, especially when confronted with the thought of an end is to live for the moment and enjoy all that you can. (Of course without hurting anyone along your path - or doing anything illegal ;-) Count your blessings, enjoy what you have - not what you want, look inwardly for your peace and serenity. Don't expect it to come form others. It's your life, make it a good one.

Now I have encountered Carmen, a women facing a double mastectomy and I hope those around her heed my advise. Life is what you make of it. PERIOD

A radiant smile flashes, giving way to tears

When I/we first decided to help Carmen develop her photo journal I didn't know what was involved. I thought some sensual before and after pictures which is what Carmen originally intended but after you start you find out there is so much more to tell and more that she wants to tell. This is a story that is involved on many levels because Carmen is living on many levels. There's the get through the day Carmen, the Carmen with friends & family, the Carmen alone at night and the Carmen in the arms of her lover. All of this has a deep effect on her... the many faces of Carmen. Carmen is allowing me to tell my story - these are my feelings and observations. I am doing this as a means of helping her to tell her own story. So she can see where the images are going and can make adjustments along the way. Something like the dailies in the movie business.




















































Tonight Jene & I will meet some of her family and dearest friends. Her sister Lilliana has already reached out to me because of my blog, and portrayal of her baby sister. I will meet her mother and will feel her pain and fears for her daughter. Carmen & I spoke of this mother/daughter connection. How I was ushered off to Florida with my parents who wintered down there because they didn't want to leave me alone after my husband left me and my infant daughter. Without words or acquisations they sensed I needed watching over. Most mothers would lay down their lives for their children, wishing that they were the ones striken but instead they must bear witness to their child's suffering and be the pillar of strength.

Time is a factor. She is scheduled for surgery on the 1st of Dec. Monday, we hope to take images on a more intimate level with her lover. Because these are important to her - in spite of the disease she carries inside her, she is still a vital loving woman with all the connections and feelings that go along with being Carmen.

We're just 2 more people here for you Carmen - for what ever that is worth. I think of the people surrounding Carmen like dolphins - they will hold another dolphin up to the surface if they are injured....Namaste.

Breast cancer victim

I deem this woman a victim because that's how she feels - victimized, as are other people afflicted by cancer and other diseases for that matter.
Tonight I am preparing to photograph her as the sensual woman that she sees herself to be. The weight of this disease is bearing down upon her. She is tired and is not feeling very beautiful today. She carries on all her tasks at work but her lumps are forever on her mind seeping into the core of her being and inflicting pain.

My heart goes out to this otherwise stranger who will bear her body, heart and soul in an attempt to tell her story through the images we capture of her. She will stand before me naked.

Jene & I have taken on the burden of photo documenting what she is going through. I hope we can do her story justice. Portraying both her fragility and her strengths in an artful and sensitive manner. I find myself losing sleep over this, tossing my own feelings into the mix. Thinking "but for the grace of God, go I". This disease strikes so many lovely women, could happen to 1 out of 7 women even without a heredity risk factor. What causes it? What can we do, if anything, to prevent it and how do we cope if it befalls us. So much research is being done and yet there doesn't seem to be enough to prevent it. The link is from a recent article in the NY Times.

In a couple of hours, we will meet for the second time, just the 2 of us. I admire her tenacity and openness about what she is going through...

Carmen arrived later than I had hoped. We had a glass of wine and talked about all topics concerning women - from molestation to rape to abortion and I am outraged that others want to take a woman's choice away and turn back the hands of time to when back rooms and coat hangers were the means of terminating an unwanted pregnancy, instead of a doctor's skill and sterile environment. (My personal opinion).

Back to the subject - Carmen and her cancer, her feelings of abandonment, growing up without her father's involvement. Her choice of boyfriends, her marriage and lovers afterward.









Support comes in droves from family, friends and new acquaintances. Well wishes pumped into her like fresh air but she still feels that she is suffocating from what is riddling her body.

Every night, breaking down, focusing on her fears. Every morning waking to face them again and finding enough strength to get her through the day. Not knowing what to say, most tell her not to worry, everything will turn out fine. It's not FINE she inwardly screams. Something inside is trying to kill her. She admits cancer treatments and their prognosis have improved vastly over the years, BUT it doesn't make it any easier to go through when it's you. For a control freak, this is maddening she doesn't have control of her own body. She wants answers and no one can give her those NOW. She knows that she has 2 lumps in one breast and one in the other.
She had a lump in her breast 4 years ago and it was benign. What changed? How did it go from benign to malignant? (These are my questions and probably hers also).

I can't even pretend to know what she is going through. Friday night Jene and I will meet some of her family and friends to learn more about who Carmen is and where she musters up the strength she needs to continue her fight for survival.

One woman's journey...

Trying to make a long story short giving enough background isn't an easy task but I will attempt it.
At the Hoboken Open Studio Tour this past Oct. - Jene & I were exhibiting our personal works as well as promoting our Labor Of Love Pix portrait photography. I met a woman who loved my B&W nudes. She felt they were sensual without overtones of "in your face nakedness". She told me that she would like to have me shoot her. I handed her my card.
I heard from her about 2 weeks ago, she told me she had breast cancer and would like to photo document her journey - before and after. I asked how she felt about Jene and I shooting her together and she was up for that. She liked Jene's dancers in motion series as well. Although our styles differ we understand how to create a story and get the concept across in the capture.
The 3 of us met to discuss what type of story she wants to tell - our take on it and how we could help her. The session started that night with a call from her friend who wanted to cast her torso in plaster. Never having done this before her friend solicited the help of an artist at Blick's Art Store who came and helped with the process. We spent hours together, virtual strangers coming together to help someone through the emotional ride when dealing with the onslaught of a double mastectomy. Our paths have crossed and each one of us was touched by the other.


And so the journey begins....



This will be a true Labor of Love helping someone cope with her changing body, the fears of cancer, showing people that she is still the same person as she was before, letting her inner beauty shine through her pain, tears and scars. Through our photographs will hope to shine a light on the fact that a woman is not just tits and ass. She is a woman because of her mind and heart, loving as only a woman can.

Breast cancer touches us all in one way or another.